The Myth of the Well Rounded Woman

The phrase ‘well -rounded woman’ has begun to feel like a job description rather than a compliment.

Every version of the modern woman comes with a list of requirements. A ‘well-rounded’ woman is expected to be ambitious but not ruthless and selfish, intelligent but never arrogant, beautiful but not vain. She must have hobbies, routines,  lifestyle commitments, a social life, opinions, awareness, manners, intellectual and emotional competence, a career she is passionate about. She should travel, read the newspapers, stay on top of cultural trends, work out, call her parents every week, drink enough, eat enough and somehow within that list of expectations, she must never forget to smile (or else society will relentlessly remind her to do so).

The modern woman is expected to be all of that and more. We have moved beyond the expectation of the docile altruistic mother-wife (though that social demand has not entirely faded, it has expanded) into the expectation of the all-rounder, the woman who can unflinchingly be mother, wife, daughter, sister and have a career all at once. She must succeed in every role she plays. It’s become less of an expectation and more of a bare minimum baseline to be considered a modern competent woman.

Social media sells us many images of what womanhood must look like -- we have the tradwife, who is entirely at her husband and children’s behest, we have the party girl who’s all about the club and alcohol and possibly even hookup culture, the corporate girlboss who is laser focused on her career, the wellness influencer emphasizing on spirituality while rebranding Indian holistic practices, drinking what she calls ‘’golden lattes’ and last but definitely not the least we have the all rounder. An amalgamation of the other archetypes. The woman who has a career, social life, family and seemingly perfect lifestyle. She is the kind of woman you look at and wistfully wish you could embody. Nobody will ever see the cost of what makes her an all rounder but everyone will see the output, the so-called perfect woman.

What is bizarre to me is if a man has all those things, he is merely just that. A man. A successful businessman perhaps. But just a man. And such expectations are treated as bonuses not baselines. For instance, if a businesswoman is not an extremely present mother, she is villainized and deemed a ‘bad mom’ while if the businessman husband did the same, perhaps we may hear more of ‘he must be busy, he works so hard’ and so on. A successful businessman is a successful businessman but a successful businesswoman must be that and everything else.

This notion as well as pressure to be the well-rounded woman has become both internalised and moralised. There was a time where reading was a leisure activity and now it is a tool to make one ‘well-read’ (that is of course not to say being well read is a bad thing but it becomes an issue when that and not knowledge acquisition is one’s motivation to read), exercise isn’t movement, it is discipline. You do not participate in activities for mental stimulation or enjoyment rather you participate because not doing so deems you a failure. No one cares about the burnout you feel balancing work, family, friends and lifestyle as long as you are seen with a smile carved onto your face. Nobody cares about the sheer exhaustion it takes to be ‘perfect’

This discourse brings us to the pervasive yet crucial question of who gets to be well rounded? It is unrealistic to expect that the woman with disposable income, living in a polished upper class neighborhood with access to facilities, safety and free time will have the same experiences as the single mom with two children living in a middle class neighborhood, working three jobs just to keep a roof over her family’s heads. One has the time to fit ideals while the other invests all her time in survival. Despite such clear cut disparity, both would be expected to be all rounders – and yet only one can afford to.

While the notion of the well rounded woman may sound empowering on paper, it is draining in reality and I can’t help but wonder, what happened to mediocrity? Why must a woman be A-plus perfect in everything? It fragments us, when a woman’s identity becomes “what am I good at?” rather than “who am I?” It is important to remember that these expectations of perfection arise from society and we internalise them, thinking it is what we must do, not what we can do. Womanhood becomes an echo chamber where patriarchal expectations are repeated not only by institutions, but by women themselves at times.

Perhaps, then, to shed such notions, a woman must be alright with being mediocre at some things. You can be an excellent worker and mom but you can be just decent at art and that is okay. You can pursue hobbies without needing to optimise them, simply because you enjoy them and that is okay. You can be everything you want, in the capacity you want and that is more than okay. Be brilliant at some things, mediocre at some things, entirely ordinary at some things if that is what allows you to breathe. Not because ambition is a flaw but because when you try to become everything, you do not become ‘well rounded’. The cost of becoming everything is becoming just a little less yourself