How To Glow Up

Congratulations! You have decided that the face, body, wardrobe, career, social life and personality you possess are insignificant. Do not fret. The Internet has a solution. It always does.

Step one.

Identify every single little thing wrong with you.

Are your pores too large? Too clogged?

Is your hair too fine? Too frizzy? Too boring?

Is your body not toned enough?

Is your sleep schedule not optimized enough?

Do you not wake up at 7 am every morning?

Keep going. Remember, the list never ends. Even when you think it does.

Step two.

Fix your face.

You need at minimum seventeen skincare products, a gua sha, a jade roller, an ice roller, everything must have retinol and/ or SPF, preferably. You must spend three hours in front of the mirror. Pat, do not scrub.

Step three.

Fix your body.

Ten thousand steps a day. Pilates. Weight training. Eat clean. Eat less. Try the latest diet. Buy all the health supplements you can. And yet, appear to have a normal relationship with food.

Step four.

Fix your personality.

Be confident, but not intimidating.

Smile more, but be nonchalant.

Be approachable but mysterious.

Independent but altruistic.

You must have boundaries but never be difficult.

Step five.

Fix your wardrobe.

No matter how expensive that dress is, throw it away. Throw it all away. You now need a new wardrobe that consists only and entirely of neutrals. Colours are not welcome here.

Step six.

Become successful.

Wake up before sunrise. Journal every night and every morning. Read fifty pages every day. Build a brand. Monetize your hobbies. Learn three languages. Have a five year plan.

Most importantly, step seven.

Be effortlessly attractive.

Extremely crucial. No one should be able to tell you have been doing all of this.

And finally, step eight.

Repeat step one. There is always something to fix.

You must make sure of it.

After several months of following this guide, you will finally achieve the ultimate glow up — becoming a person who spends so much time maintaining her lifestyle that she has no time to actually live.